


Trick or Treats: a Halloween Collection

by truthtakestime



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Halloween, Holidays, collaborative effort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-03
Updated: 2013-11-03
Packaged: 2017-12-31 08:15:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1029392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/truthtakestime/pseuds/truthtakestime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This work was a joint effort by myself and some particularly lovely people over on fanfiction.net. I kind of glommed on to an SG1 Virtual Season 11 that they're writing, and we decided recently that in addition to the massive season of doom, we also wanted to do fun little holiday shorts. The lovely Myosotis13 over there has posted this collection, and I, alas, am several days late here...but here it is! I will label each chapter with the appropriate writer's name, and at the end I'll link back to the Virtual Season. </p><p>I hope you all enjoy!!</p>
    </blockquote>





	1. The Con - truthtakestime

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Trick or Treats: A VS Halloween Collection](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/30170) by Myosotis13. 



> This work was a joint effort by myself and some particularly lovely people over on fanfiction.net. I kind of glommed on to an SG1 Virtual Season 11 that they're writing, and we decided recently that in addition to the massive season of doom, we also wanted to do fun little holiday shorts. The lovely Myosotis13 over there has posted this collection, and I, alas, am several days late here...but here it is! I will label each chapter with the appropriate writer's name, and at the end I'll link back to the Virtual Season. 
> 
> I hope you all enjoy!!

"Your planet does have the most peculiar customs."

In theory, Cam should have been surprised to find Vala in his quarters. He really should have, actually. For one, it was his quarters; two, Vala really didn't do that anymore like she had the beginning. And, maybe the most important, number three: they were his quarters.

So yes, it should have been an unusual occurence to find Vala sprawled across his bed, eating chocolate or popcorn and reading crappy magazines or Teal'c's back-issue copies of the National Inquirer. Likewise, his response when waking at oh-dark-hundred to find her quietly browsing the stack of old mission reports that he was constantly re-reading should not have simply been to groan and roll over to go back to sleep.

Today's reading material (at least she was consistent) was a holiday-themed Martha Stewart catalogue. Pretty light reading, for Vala.

He realized after staring dumbly at her for a minute and pondering his complete lack of surprise at the situation, that she was looking up at him expectantly. Next, he realized that while his mind had been going through "all the reasons why this shouldn't be normal", she had still been speaking to him.

He rubbed his forehead. "Sorry, am I supposed to be answering a question? I was kind of distracted by the fact that you've taken over my quarters. Again. Why is that, by the way?"

Vala shrugged dismissively. "Your bed is more comfortable," she said casually, sitting up and curling her legs underneath her body.

Cam blinked at her. "For the love of - Vala, is this whole breaking into my room shtick your way of telling me that you want to do an extreme makeover on your quarters?"

She bounced a little. "Oh Cameron, I thought you'd never ask!" she giggled. Cam sighed, and made a mental note to warn Daniel to hide his credit cards. "But, that's actually not what I was talking about. This 'Halloween' thing that people keep talking about, it's in all the magazines too, and I don't understand it. It sounds ridiculous." She rolled her eyes when Cam opened his mouth. "And before you tell me to ask Daniel, I called him in England and he talked for over an hour about the history of the celebration, which honestly was dull as anything and sounded like something a very bored Goa'uld probably created! And I asked Teal'c, but the insight that he shared with me was..." She paused for a second and grinned widely at some private thought. "Well, he did give me a collection of badly made black-and-white horror movies, but they were no help whatsoever. Although now I know never to sleep in motels. Or cabins in the woods. Or cornfields." She cleared her throat. "It's a surprise I'll ever be able to sleep anywhere again, really."

That she had gone off on a weird tangent was about par for the course, really. But he still wasn't sure what she was so concerned about. "Vala, you're still not giving me a real question, here."

With an exaggerated sigh, the woman pointed to the magazine she'd tossed aside, opened to a picture of a warm-looking house and a porch full of trick-or-treaters. "I want to know the good stuff," she demanded. "The food, the fun, the clever ways to get a slightly disgruntled archaeologist to show up in my quarters some night?" She batted her eyelashes. "That last one is completely hypothetical, of course."

"Oh, completely," Cam nodded agreeably. Of course Jackson was at the root of this thing somewhere. He thought it best not to point that out, though. He leaned against the wall and crossed his arms, humming thoughtfully. "Well, food and fun...you know what trick-or-treating is, right?"

Vala frowned thoughtfully. "I heard the phrase, but I just don't get the concept."

"What's difficult about kids dressing up and asking for candy?" he asked.

"But what's the point? A few sweets seem like pretty poor incentive for anything, to me."

Considering the lengths that the woman would go to consume anything containing sugar, Cam seriously doubted this. But saying that wouldn't get her off his bed. "Think of it like a con," he suggested instead. Her eyes sparkled at the word 'con'. "Kids dress up to 'hide their identities'," he made air quotes, one of Vala's new favorite gestures, "and to see who can gather the most candy from unsuspecting citizens."

Now this was a language that Vala understood. "That...is actually brilliant. There must be some truly inventive children on your little planet, after all. Can adults do it, too? The trick-or-treating thing?"

Warning bells went off in Cam's head. He tried to ignore them, if only because he could see that she was ready to run off with excitement and let him take a nap in his own bed. He nodded. "Yeah, I guess. I know that some of the techs dress up around here, and they had a party once, a few years ago -"

He broke off as Vala flashed a dazzling smile and grabbed his hand. "Oh, we are absolutely doing this, Cameron!"

A big, flashing 'DO NOT ENTER' sign appeared right along with the warning bells. Unfortunately, Cam was watching it shrink in his rearview mirror. "Come again?"

"The party! The con! We are doing it. Come on, we're going to need costumes - Daniel will be back by then, you need to help me find something that will make him blush - and all of the labs and offices are going to need to get lots and lots of candy..." She dragged him out of his room, still talking a mile a minute. Cam threw a longing glance back at his bed.

So much for that nap.

_fin._


	2. Never Bet Against a Sure Thing - Myosotis13

Daniel walked into the cafeteria and did a double take. Sure, rumours of dressing up had been circulating for weeks, but Daniel hadn't thought anyone would take it seriously…and he definitely hadn't thought everyone would take it seriously.

He made his way through the crowd, smiling whenever he recognized someone and trying to keep his eyes in his orbital sockets as he passed some of the more eccentric costumes on people he had never pegged for the Halloween-loving type. (Oh dear God, was that Walter in a Horus guard helmet?)

Despite the dim lights, the crowd and his own state of shock, he managed to spot Sam at one of the sleek standing tables that had replaced the usual cafeteria furniture for the night. She saw him, too, and waved; next to her, Mitchell in his 'Cameron Mitchell, bounty-hunter' outfit air-toasted with the beer bottle, and the Chewbacca that towered over both of them dipped his head slightly in a strikingly Teal'c-like manner.

There was no sign of Vala. She was probably in the middle of the crowd somewhere, dancing to the vaguely familiar music and showing off the costume that had sparked a thousand arguments.

By the time Daniel reached their table, Mitchell had been dragged into a dance with a nurse in a Greek outfit that suffered from several historical inaccuracies. Daniel himself had to dodge the invitation of a Victorian-age lady - not without a cursory look to make sure it wasn't Vala…although he knew she'd probably never pick something that understated anyway. Or something that included so many layers.

"Hey."

He had to chuckle at Sam's resourceful outfit. A black eyepatch had covered her right eye for three days, courtesy of a minor accident in her lab. She'd added a black hat and an oversized belt with some sort of gigantic bird-shaped buckle, and she looked pretty darn proud of herself, too.

"Glad you could make it," she greeted, raising her voice slightly to compensate for the loudness of the chatter and background music.

Chewbacca moved over slightly to make more room. Daniel couldn't even begin to imagine where that costume had come from, but it was remarkably realistic. Of course, it helped that their resident Jaffa stood a head taller than pretty much anyone else on base, and could fill a Wookie's oversized shoes quite literally. If anything, this Chewbacca looked even taller and broader than the movie version. The slight tilt of his head as he regarded the archaeologist was all Teal'c, however.

"Nice costume," Daniel smiled finally, and Teal'c nodded in thanks, then quirked his head in a motion that only he could make so expressive behind a furry Wookie mask.

"I… didn't realize people were actually serious about dressing up," Daniel admitted, in answer to the silent question about his own lack of costume. "I thought Vala was just saying that to get us to do it."

Chewbacca rumbled noncommittally, but Sam chuckled out loud.

"You might not be off the hook yet. Come on, Daniel," she teased, "we've all heard about the bet."

He let his head drop with a groan.

"There was no bet," he argued, but Sam was grinning widely.

"That's not what Vala says. In fact, she says that by the end of the night you'll be wearing a costume of her choice."

Just for the record, he'd never agreed to that. But it was pointless to argue. At least not until he could find Vala and set her straight.

"Only because she's overestimating her abilities to use Halloween costumes as a 'con'…no idea where she got that from. Where is she any- whoa," Daniel cut off mid-sentence to catch the beer bottle that Sam had nearly tipped over while reaching for her ringing phone. Guess having half her eye-field obstructed did have its problems. "I've got it."

"Oops," having finally managed to extract her phone, she glanced down at the screen. "I have to take this, I'll be right back."

As they were left alone at the table, it occurred to Daniel that if Teal'c really wanted to be in-character, he would not be a very communicative conversation partner. He certainly hoped the Jaffa wouldn't subject them all to the customary Wookie communication methods.

In any case, if he tried, Daniel would make sure to put a friendly end to it.

"So, uhm… have you seen -"

A sudden increase in the music volume drowned out his voice, even to his own years.

"Vala…?" he finished, then shook his head.

Teal'c shook his own head in reply, causing several furry strands to fall over the beady mask eyes. They proved difficult to remove with the large costume hands, and Daniel had to chuckle at the Jaffa's dedication. It can't have been easy in there, but Teal'c was nothing if not persevering when it came to participating in the customs of his adoptive homeworld.  
And so Daniel watched, amused, as, in the name of the same customs, his friend wandered off, a solitary Wookie towering over the rest of the room as he made his way over to the bar.

**ooo**

Siler was wearing regular civilian clothes, and there was a Replicator on his head. He had the grace to look chagrined. "Too soon?"

Mitchell grimaced. "It'll never be not too soon for that," he grumbled, but raised his beer in a silent toast anyway, before the Sergeant went on his way. "Replicators…"

Daniel privately agreed with the sentiment, but there was something else on his mind.

"So where's Vala?" She hadn't stopped talking about the SGC Halloween party for weeks, but he still couldn't see her. Surely she wouldn't miss it now.

Mitchell looked over the crowd. "Didn't you catch her? We were just talkin' earlier…"

"Did you see her mysterious costume?" Cam nodded while taking a swig of beer. "What is it?"

Sam arched her eyebrows before Mitchell could reply, and the SG-1 leader rolled his eyes.

"Apparently I'm not allowed to say." He fixed Daniel with a glare that the archaeologist found totally unwarranted. "What were you thinkin', anyway, making a bet with her? Didn't you learn by now, princess doesn't lose bets."

Princess. Yes! Daniel nodded to himself. That was a good candidate. He'd spotted a couple of flowy dresses and a weird conical hat sprouting up somewhere in the corner…

"There was no bet," he answered belatedly, but by Mitchell's doubtful snort, he was not believed. "And why can't you tell me what costume she's wearing?"

"Because it wouldn't be fair," Sam put in. "Plus Vala requested that unless people correctly guess her costume, they're not allowed to tell others about it."

"Okay, explain to me again how I'm not getting it," Cam protested. "It's not that hard to figure out , it's freakin' -"

She held up a warning finger to stop him from giving it away, and the SG-1 leader rolled his eyes again.

" - a not-unpopular choice of Halloween costume," he finished cryptically. "So what's the catch?"

Sam shrugged, obviously enjoying the mystery, and Cam shook his head in resignation.

"Sorry - but you're not guessing it right, so you can't spoil it," she laughed. "Rules are rules."

Daniel redirected his attention to her. "Okay… but you know what her costume is, right?"

She nodded. "But, I don't want to tell," she laughed again at Daniel's surprised expression.

Cam set his beer bottle down. "I'll play you darts for it," he challenged. "I win, you tell me what the heck I'm missin' about that costume."

Sam's grin widened. "Deal."

**ooo**

Halfway through the darts game, Sam was tied with Mitchell and Daniel still did not have his answer. He had identified most people in the room, and Vala was nowhere to be seen, nor did anyone else know what her mysterious disguise was.

On the other hand, everyone seemed to know about the damn bet. And while they had no clue about Vala's costume, they were more than happy to speculate about the costume that she would make him wear. Not that Daniel planned to lose the bet.

Except in order to win, he had to correctly guess Vala's disguise, which was difficult to do if he couldn't find her. Which of course was probably exactly why she was hiding.  
He dodged a uniformed airman in a Darth Vader helmet, then looked back for a second glance. Nope, he was pretty sure that was Cpl. Eriksen. And still no trace of Vala anywhere. But, he had a good couple of hours left, the room wasn't that big, and with the looming threat of some ridiculous costume she'd have concocted for him, he was pretty motivated to track her down.

Speaking of ridiculous costumes… As he wondered back to their table feeling a little put off, Daniel was greeted by the amusing sight of a large Wookie bent in arduous concentration over a glass with a pumpkin-coloured drink and a straw. At least Teal'c seemed to be immersing himself in the Tau'ri customs with the usual gusto - although, judging by the way he kept trying to pick up the glass and readjusting the straw, he was having some difficulty figuring out how to actually consume that traditional Tau'ri beverage.

"Probably easier if you take the mask off," Daniel suggested.

The furry head snapped up. There was a short pause, then…

"I have been advised that that is against the spirit of the celebration."

Teal'c's voice was muffled behind the mask to the point of being hardly more than a indistinct drone (or maybe it was just the too-loud music, seriously, who was in charge of that, a bunch of frat boys?) and Daniel again sympathized with how uncomfortable the suit had to be. It was a pretty convincing Chewbacca, to be fair, but it can't have been worth the discomfort.

Well, Teal'c was a huge Star Wars fan…

"It's a great costume," Daniel said finally. "You're definitely right in the spirit of Halloween."

The furry head bobbed in acknowledgment.

"So… is Vala around here showing off a princess Leia outfit?" When Chewbacca tilted his head to give him a long look, he correctly interpreted it: "Let me guess, you can't tell, either. " He rolled his eyes. "Trust Vala to come up with some wacky rule…"

Teal'c finally gave up trying to drink the orange concoction, and pushed it away. "It is her prerogative to partake in this celebratory concealment of one's identity in whichever manner she considers appropriate."

Or at least, that's what Daniel thought the Jaffa said, and he sighed. "Right. Well, I guess I'll see her eventually."

Teal'c nodded in agreement.

"…Any hints?"

He knew that the beady eyes affixed to the mask weren't real, but they conveyed a Teal'c-stare nonetheless.

"I'll take that as a no." Daniel sighed again, frustrated. "At least I hope she's having a good time."

"I believe so." There was a brief pause, then Chewbacca crossed his arms. "It is my opinion that her enjoyment is furthered by your current inability to correctly identify her disguise."

That prompted a disgruntled huff from Daniel. "Oh yeah, I'm sure that furthers her enjoyment alright."

A human-sized Asgard passed their table and waved, Daniel narrowing his eyes suspiciously before he recognized Dr. Novak by the hiccups. Apparently social situations made her nervous, too. His shoulders dropped in disappointment.

"Perhaps you were incorrect in assuming that this Tau'ri festival does not truly test one's aptitudes for skilful camouflage."

"I wasn't debating what Halloween tests, just the existence of said aptitudes in the first place…" Daniel scanned the crowd again, with the same lack of results. "You know, even if I can't figure out where or who Vala is, I'm not sure we can credit her 'stellar disguise capabilities'." Exact quote from one of those one thousand arguments. "There must be a hundred people in here, it's like finding a needle in a haystack."

"I think we can credit her disguise," Sam appeared behind him, and winked. "It's a pretty good one."

"Did Mitchell beat you at darts?" Daniel wanted to know.

Before she could reply, a young Lieutenant in a long white dress and Princess-Leia hairdo showed up at their table.

"Hi." She looked to Chewbacca with a friendly smile. "With respect, are you above or below me in the chain of command in any way that would make dancing inappropriate?"

There was a thoughtful pause, then… "I believe not," came the struggling muffled rumble.

"Great!" Princess Leia linked a hand through his arm."Then let's dance!" And she pulled him away.

**ooo**

Teal'c was still dancing, and Mitchell was getting a rematch from Sam when Dr. Lam surprised Daniel at the table. "May I join you?"

"Uh, sure." It wasn't like he had ownership of the standing table, and it was completely empty save for him, anyway. "Nice costume."

She was wearing a form-fitting, all-black outfit, with the tiniest strip of cloth tied as a mask over her eyes. It wasn't an elaborate costume, but given that he'd never seen her wearing anything but her doctor's coat, it definitely counted as "dressing up".

The doctor sighed at the compliment: "This is not exactly my thing, but I didn't want to be that guy - or lady - snubbing the festive spirit." Her eyebrows arched as she took in his appearance. "You're that guy."

He cleared his throat. "So it's been pointed out to me."

"I thought Vala convinced you to participate."

"Well, we never really agreed on anything specific. And at the moment I'm sure she doesn't care about my outfit, and is busy enjoying hers."

She gave a small smile. "That's probably true."

Daniel's eyes widened. "Wait - you know what she's wearing?" Her nod only reawakened his curiosity. "What? Where is she?"

He scanned the crowd for the fiftieth time, but just as before it was impossible to spot Vala. He had checked, he was sure, every single woman, and even some of the less-gender-obvious costumes like mummies, ninjas, and even that ZPM in the corner who, Daniel was pretty sure, was Dr. Lee.

Still no trace of Vala.

"Okay I admit it, I'm curious," Daniel pleaded. "Can you please point her out to me?"

Dr. Lam's eyes swept over the crowd. "I can …"

He immediately craned his neck to follow her line of sight.

"…but I won't." Her look wasn't even sympathetic when she denied him, the way Sam's had been. "Sorry Dr. Jackson, but you're not conforming to tonight's celebrations and I'm not making it easy on you."

Daniel groaned.

"Don't feel too bad," the doctor added placidly. "It's a really good costume. I'm surprised if anyone figures it out."

"Sam did."

"Anyone but Col. Carter. She's very observant."

"And Teal'c… probably Mitchell… And you." He couldn't keep a little grudge out of his tone.

"Yes," Dr. Lam nodded, "but as the doctor who's been treating all of you for disturbingly frequent scrapes, bruises and sprains," she raised her eyebrows at him, "I have the unfair advantage of recognizing your individual body postures. You can't disguise favouring a sprained ankle or bruised ribs."

Daniel didn't know what to say.

"Like I said, don't feel bad," she repeated, then walked around the table to get another drink…"But I'd make my peace with losing that bet." she tossed over the shoulder as she headed for the bar, scowling at some of the nurses in revealing outfits on the way.

**ooo**

The party was almost winding down, and Daniel had failed to spot Vala - although he had seen Anubis clinking cocktail glasses with Homer Simpson, and the human-sized Asgard dancing with the ZPM. Both sights he would not soon forget…

"You know Jackson, you need to work on your participation skills. Even the General gave in." Sipping from another beer, Mitchell gave him a scolding look. "You do know what a costume party means, right?"

There was nothing to reply but a conceding sigh. They all had a point."I'll work on it."

Cam glanced at the clock on the wall. "Still an hour left. Plenty of time to change into something more… celebratory. They'll even give you a free drink."

"Uhm…I don't…" Sure, they had a point, but that didn't mean he was about to put on a cloak and pretend to be Batman! Or…whatever superhero wore cloaks. "I don't think I can come up with something in an hour…"

"You won't have to, darling - I have just the thing."

Daniel jerked around in surprised, and after three hours of hopelessly trying to figure her out, there she was, Vala, right there behind their table…

… and she wasn't even wearing a costume!

In fact, she was wearing a pair of tights and a very form-fitting tank-top, and her skin - of which much was visible, as he had anticipated - was glistening with sweat. She was holding a drink glass and giving him a challenging grin.

"You lost our bet, Daniel - as we both knew you would. So, time to pay up."

"I didn't - there -" It took him a second to recover, then it all came out at once: "First of all there was no bet, second of all the bet was about me not being able to figure out your costume, and you're not even wearing one, and third of all I didn't lose because you were hiding the whole time and that's cheating!"

She took a second to process that, then proceeded to ignore it all. "You lost the bet," she repeated.

The nerve! "I disagree."

Vala's eyes narrowed. "The costume I've picked for you is in your quarters, and you're under the obligation to wear it for the next," she glanced at the clock, "fifty-nine minutes… although of course you're welcome to keep it for longer, I daresay it's quite enjoyable." With that ominous pronouncement, she turned on her heels and made her way back into the crowd.

"I didn't -" Daniel's protest died on his lips as she vanished from sight. He shook his head, and turned to Mitchell who was giving him a pitying expression. "What just happened here?"

"I'd just give in if I were you," the colonel advised, "save yourself the trouble."

"Yeah, that's not happening."

"Come on, Daniel," Sam joined them again, catching the last bit of conversation, "you can't renege on a bet."

"I'm not," he argued, "because there was no bet, and in any case I didn't lose it. Vala cheated."

"No she didn't." Sam laughed. "Sorry, Daniel."

"Wha - come on. Not that I'm encouraging further talk of this infantile so-called bet," he sighed, "but how was I supposed to guess her costume if she spent the whole three hours hiding in some corner so I couldn't see her? Right?" He looked to Mitchell for the support, and the colonel only shrugged.

"If you say so, Jackson. I told you not to make bets with her."

"It wasn't my idea, trust me," he muttered. "That said, I tried to play along." Noticing Cam's pointed look at his lack of Halloween costume, Daniel gave a conceding nod. "Partially… anyway I looked everywhere for Vala, she was definitely hiding, so I didn't lose the bet, she cheated."

He looked to Cam expectantly, and so did Sam, leaving the SG-1 leader a little baffled at suddenly finding himself the unwilling mediator.

"Alright… if Vala gave him the slip on purpose, then the man has a point."

"She did," Daniel confirmed, "and that's cheating."

Sam was still grinning. "No, I'm pretty sure she won this one fair and square."

Cam glared when they turned to him once more for input. "Would you quit trying to drag me into this? Just - work it out with Vala, Jackson, if you think she cheated. Not my problem." He finished his beer to make the point.

Sam laughed. "Vala wasn't hiding, Daniel. And she definitely had on a costume earlier. You lost the bet."

Cam stared at them, exasperated as he realized they weren't dropping it.

"I can't lose if I didn't even have a chance to try and guess her costume," Daniel continued to argue. "And she definitely was hiding, because I tried to find her and give this whole thing a fair shot - remember, I asked you and Mitchell and Teal'c and even Dr. Lam to point her out! - and she's been dodging me the whole evening!"

Cam's eyebrows rose, and he and Sam exchanged a look.

"…so I don't think it's fair play," Daniel was saying, only to be interrupted by Mitchell's groan.

"Go put the costume on, Jackson." The colonel shook his head. "You lost the bet."

"But I didn't -"

Sam laughed out loud.

"Jackson."

"What?" Daniel couldn't believe they were having this conversation. The three of them were adults, for cryin' out loud, and here they were arguing about Vala's juvenile cheating during a costume party, of all things, and just for the record, he hadn't lost, because he hadn't even gotten to see that damn mysterious disguise -

"Teal'c's on Chulak," Mitchell said. "Left this morning."

\- that she'd boasted for…what?

Daniel did a double take.

Then he opened his mouth, but nothing came out. His eyes automatically roamed the crowd, and sure enough, Chewbacca was gone.

He went to say something again. Then he shook his head. And when he tried to speak for the third time…

"Don't even try to talk your way out of this one," Cam advised. "Just go put on whatever she's got prepared for you… and Jackson, if it involves thongs… remember never to make bets with Vala again."

_The End_


	3. Night of the Spirits - SC

"There are no such things as vengeful spirits!"

The words were barely out of Daniel's mouth when a tree root appeared out of nowhere and wrapped around the tip of his boot, causing him to stumble; Mitchell cast a dry glance over his shoulder.

"Whatever, Jackson. Just keep that damn candle lit."

At the colonel's side, Vala was peering at her own candle with a dubious look. "How are these supposed to protect us, again?"

"They're not," Daniel mumbled from behind, although this time he kept a careful eye on the ground for any errant roots. So careful, in fact, that he missed a low-hanging branch until he collided with it face-first.

Sam couldn't help an amused snicker. "I think you're making the spirits angry," she grinned. Her hands cupped another of the native "protection candles", a ball of wax about the size of an apple, carved hollow except for a thin, slow-burning column at its center.

"Very funny." He rubbed his aching nose. "I still think you should've let me explain to those natives that their "supernatural manifestations" are just a result of their planet going through a yearly ion storm."

Sam was still chuckling when she corrected: "Technically, it's their sun that has periodic coronal mass ejections... this is just the time that their planet's magnetic field is aligned just right for the particles to become ionized and cause visible disturbances. Kind of like the Aurora Borealis," she added for a simpler explanation.

"Like the Aurora Borealis on steroids, maybe," Mitchell muttered. "It's like Fourth of July and New Year's put together out there." As if to support his words, a loud crack resounded somewhere ahead, and an explosion of light danced across the night sky.

"It is indeed a most unusual astronomical phenomenon." Teal'c was carrying two candles, one in each hand, as apparently his larger height and size, as well as the Jaffa mark on his forehead, made him more of a target for vengeful spirits. The natives had decided not to take any chances and generously gifted him twice the protection. "I am not surprised that the natives attribute it to supernatural forces. Their means of appeasing these forces are likewise fascinating."

Daniel groaned. "You didn't have to do the 'spirit dance'," he pointed out.

"You wouldn't have had to either, if you'd waited a second and let me go through the gate first." Mitchell didn't sound too sympathetic. "That's what you get for being overeager."

"If I'd known what I was walking into, I'd have waited, trust me..." Daniel sighed. " Of all times, I can't believe we happened to visit these people exactly on their 'night of the spirits'... "

Teal'c ducked underneath a low branch, the carved candles perfectly balanced in his hands. "Do you not find it fortunate, Daniel Jackson, to have a chance to observe such an important cultural trademark of this society?"

The archaeologist made a face. "Yes," he admitted, "but I'd find it easier to observe if we didn't have to circle some creepy old woods all night staring at candles and blowing horns..."

"Look at the bright side," Vala put in. "At least this way, you get to observe and be a part of this fascinating cultural quirk! And speaking of horns..." She grinned, and reached him a large, conical instrument of sorts. "I believe it's been thirteen hundred steps since the last time."

Daniel pinched the bridge of his nose. "Can someone else do it this time, please?" As they all just stared back expectantly, he groaned. "Oh, come on!"

"You are the one who has incurred the wrath of the spirits, Daniel Jackson. It is you who must blow the horn to keep them at bay." The rest of them nodded in agreement with Teal'c's words.

"Okay, is this because I made us stay behind an extra day on P3X-442 last month? Because that was a really important set of cave paintings and totally worth the attention."

They exchanged a look.

"It was sticks and circles on the side of a mountain, Daniel. For miles," Vala added with a shudder.

"Okay, but it could have been evidence of an ancient communication network and anyway I said I was sorry!"

Vala wordlessly held out the foot-long horn again.

"Urgh." With exasperated resignation, Daniel took it, took a deep breath, and blew it out, causing a low, prolonged blare. The others covered their ears, but their grins stayed in place. "That was fun," he said sarcastically as he lowered the horn.

The grins widened.

"Oh, come on, guys. Can we please skip the -"

Teal'c held up a large headdress made mostly of grass, twigs and bells.

"-spirit mask." He sighed. "Seriously?" With an eye roll, he donned the headdress. "I hope you're enjoying this."

"It could be worse," Sam pointed out, grinning. "At least the magnetic field disturbances broke our camera."

There was a second of disappointed silence, until Mitchell shrugged:

"There's still writing the mission report."

Daniel switched his carved candle to the other hand, shoved the horn back at Vala and stared moving again. "I'm putting in for a transfer to SG-3." The headdress bells clanged melodiously with each step.

"That would make the spirits very angry," Mitchell stated firmly.

The archaeologist merely returned an unintelligible cranky grumble, without even looking back.

"You know," Vala mused as they continued their trek around the woods, "I bet in a couple of hundred years these people will figure out that it's all just physics and this 'night of the spirits' will become just a fun festival where they get to drink too much and burn a lot of candles and make a lot of noise..."

_The end_


	4. A Most Mystifying Festival - SilverSnowDrop

"Why is everything orange? And -" Vala frowned at the small labels that identified the food, "pumpkin? What exactly is pumpkin, and why is it suddenly in all of our food?"

Teal'c took in the heavily decorated cafeteria, and sighed. "I believe this is a celebratory gesture for the Tau'ri festival known as Hallo'ween. And those," he pointed to the objects piled at both ends of the food line, "are Tau'ri fruit known as pumpkins."

Vala eyed the odd orange contraptions doubtfully. "Those don't look edible." She tilted her head. "They look creepy. I'm pretty sure that one wants to kill me."

Given the menacing stare carved into the orange bark, Teal'c could not disagree. "I believe that is the purpose of the carvings. To inspire terror in the hearts of those who see them."

"Hm." Vala cautiously helped herself to a couple of pieces of pumpkin ravioli, then skipped to the end of the line, grabbed a handful of sweet potato fries and, after some hesitation, a slice of pumpkin bread. She skipped the orange pudding altogether. "What is this festival and why does it involve scary-looking food?"

Teal'c thought for a moment as they walked over to the table. "I am unsure," he admitted. "I believe it is an old celebration inspired by Tau'ri spiritual rituals. The significance of the pumpkin is unclear."

She stabbed the ravioli through with her fork. "What rituals?"

"Remembering the spirits of the dead. Summoning supernatural beings. Protection against angry and vengeful spirits."

Vala swallowed the first bite. "Scary stuff." She peered at Teal'c, who was volunteering no further information. "Come on Muscles, you've been here over ten years… surely you must've experienced this 'Hallo'ween' before. Tell me more! You know how I love to hear about the Tau'ri's fascinating little rituals."

Teal'c took a long sip of water. "It is a … strange celebration. I do not believe I can offer you an accurate, objective description. My own experiences with this festival have been somewhat… discouraging."

Now her curiosity was really piqued. She glanced back over her shoulder at the bizarre-looking carved "pumpkins", then adopted her most persuasive air. "Tell me everything."

Teal'c balked. "It is not a -"

"Please? It's the first time I ever heard about this, and I don't want to be unprepared," she rattled off, "and you know none of the others can really explain things properly to someone who wasn't born and raised here - you're the only one who makes sense half the time! And if I'm going to deal with anything that involves angry spirits and homicidal vegetables, I need all the information I can get! Please, Muscles?" She dipped into her, admittedly limited, pool of Tau'ri popular sayings. "You're my only hope!"

At that, they exchanged a small smile. Then Teal'c inclined his head in a conceding gesture, and Vala grinned eagerly.

"My first encounter with the Tau'ri Hallo'ween was eleven years ago…"

_Eleven years ago_

_"O'Neill." Teal'c tilted his head curiously. "What is a 'Hallo'ween'?"_

_Colonel Jack O'Neill froze, coffee mug halfway to his mouth. He recovered after a moment, and finished taking a sip. "Where'd ya hear that one?" His expression was a mixture of surprise and exasperation when Teal'c handed him a colourful piece of paper._

_"Didn't picture this place as having cafeteria fliers," Daniel commented from the next seat. "Thought you guys were more the… safety pamphlet type. Tough military base and all…"_

_Jack arched an eyebrow. "Some of us could use a safety pamphlet, Daniel," he pointed out. "With 'do not touch weird alien stuff' in red bold letters at the top."_

_The younger man cleared his throat, a slight blush spreading across his cheeks. "So, Halloween…" he quickly brought them back on topic, and turned to Teal'c. "It's a yearly festival that -" He paused at the sound of Jack's discontent growl. "Uhm."_

_"Pumpkins, costumes, too much candy." The colonel finished his coffee in one long gulp and set the mug back down. "That pretty much sums it up."_

_Teal'c did not feel at all enlightened, except perhaps to the fact that O'Neill disliked this particular Tau'ri festival._

_He studied the flier again. "Who is the individual shown here? He does not look like a regular human."_

_Daniel frowned, too. "I'm…not sure actually. Might be a depiction of a ghost or some sort of monster …Halloween is often associated with spirits and supernatural beings, and this guy kind of looks like a…weird Dracula…?"_

_"For cryin' out loud…" Jack snorted, half-exasperated, half-amused. "It's Jack the Pumpkin King! What do they teach you in those schools, Daniel?"_

_Both Daniel and Teal'c looked blank. "Jack…the Pumpkin King?" repeated the archaeologist._

_"Is he a relative of yours, O'Neill?"_

Any other person on that base hearing the story would have at the very least covered a snicker, but Vala looked genuinely curious. "Was he? A relative of General O'Neill's?"

With perfect seriousness, Teal'c replied, "No."

"Oh." She looked a little disappointed. "Too bad. I always wanted to meet a king." She picked up another sweet potato fry. "You know, that doesn't sound that bad. Unless there's more to the story…"

She arched her eyebrows suggestively, and Teal'c rumbled a deep sigh.

"Several days later, O'Neill proposed an informal venture to a local establishment…"

_Eleven years ago, several days later…_

_"Oh, for the love of…" Colonel O'Neill groaned at the sight of the giant inflatable pumpkin outside their normally quiet bar &grill place. "Daniel, remind me again - what day is today?"_

_"Er - November sec-"_

_"So that," he pointed to the offending orange decoration, "shouldn't be there. Right?"_

_"Well, Halloween was on Wednesday, I'm not sure why they'd wait until Friday night to have the par…" Daniel trailed off. "Oh."_

_A pair of giggling witches came out of the restaurant and almost stumbled into the team before pausing a small distance away to have a cigarette._

_Jack began to back away from the entrance. "Okay, kids, plan B. Let's find another place."_

_"Most of them will probably be the same, Sir," Captain Carter pointed out. "It is the Friday after Halloween…"_

_"Then we'll drive over to my house. There's beer in the fridge and I'm pretty sure I remembered to rub garlic on the doors."_

_Teal'c had approached the restaurant window with heightened curiosity, and peered inside. A large crowd was milling about, and more than half of it did not appear human. His eyebrows arched in surprise as a green furry creature approached from the other side of the window and waved energetically._

_"Don't tap the glass," Jack warned dryly._

_"Hey buddy, you gonna go in or what?"_

_They turned to notice a muscular man with a clearly fake blonde moustache and beard towering over Daniel, who had been unwittingly blocking the entrance._

_The archaeologist quickly stepped back. "Go ahead."_

_Unfortunately, the man did not. "What are you doin' creeping around anyway?" He was flanked by three others - one with long sharp knife-like claws and a strange hat, another with a cape and a large hammer, and a third covered in blue fur. "And didn't you hear, tonight's costume-only. Where's your costume?"_

_The attention of the two scantily-clad witches must have spurred him on, because he glanced at them and seemed to swell, his pectorals popping out proudly._

_Daniel swallowed hard and adjusted his glasses. "This is my costume," he replied quickly. "It's uh, an archaeology professor on sabbatical working to save the world from… aliens. Like..." he struggled for a comparison, and looked delighted to finally think of one, "Indiana Johnson!"_

_The fake-blonde behemoth and his friends stared for a second. They all smelled strongly of alcohol. "You mean, Indiana Jones?"_

_Daniel cleared his throat. "Uhm, right. Yeah, Indiana Johnson is his less known cousin. Family business, long story."_

_"That's not a real costume." The large man did not seem to like feeling confused. "Are you tryin' to be a smart-ass?"_

_He tottered a step toward Daniel, only to suddenly find the grey-haired colonel between them._

_"No, that's just how he talks," Jack sighed, then adopted a pleasant smile. "Now why don't you good fellows go right inside and join the fun?"_

_The blond studied this new obstacle, and, finding himself a good head taller and twice as wide, decided it was not a concern. "Are you tryin' to be a smart-ass?"_

_Jack's shoulders rose and fell in a long sigh. Teal'c had followed him and now waited, one step behind, observing the dialogue with interest. Perhaps intimidation tactics were part of the Tau'ri festival of Hallo'ween._

_"Do you have a problem,pal? Where's your costume?"_

_Sam cringed._

_"Sir…" she walked up behind the colonel. "Maybe we should go."_

_"Excellent idea, Carter -" O'Neill started to say, only to suddenly have to dodge as the bulky man half-launched himself at him with a stunning lack of precision, catching him awkwardly in the shoulder before sprawling on the sidewalk right in front of the restaurant door._

_The witches let out a squeal of delight._

_The fake blonde pulled himself up and barrelled at Daniel who, caught entirely unprepared, suddenly found himself slammed into the restaurant window._

_With a cry of war, the man wielding the bulky hammer jumped into the fray screaming "Thor‼"._

_Teal'c lifted him easily by the scruff of his surprisingly flimsy armour shirt. "O'Neill. Is this a traditional celebratory ritual?"_

_The colonel felt a plastic knife-claw break against his ribs as he pulled the blond off Daniel._

_"No‼"_

Having choked on the last bite, Vala alternated between fits of coughing and laughing. She grabbed for the water glass and downed half of it before she was able to form a coherent sentence again. "Sorry!" She dissolved into laughter once more. "Sorry, Muscles. Please," another cough, "go on." She finished the water, just in case, then looked at Teal'c with a wide grin. "Did you get in trouble? Who won the fight?"

The Jaffa pursed his lips. "Unclear."

It took another half a minute before managed to recover fully. "Sorry," she said again, with the same grin. "Alright, I'll give you that, it wasn't the best first experience… well, I'd have enjoyed it," she added as an afterthought, "but still, that was years ago! I'm sure the following year was better," she winked.

Teal'c looked away with a stony expression.

_Ten years ago…_

_Teal'c very much enjoyed his new, off-base apartment. He did not get to spend much time in it, but the time he did get, he cherished. It was quiet. The neighbours were, for the most part, pleasant and unobtrusive. He had even managed a few mundane social interactions while taking out the trash or retrieving his "mail" (a most fascinating system, although he did not yet fully understand the concept of "coupons" ). Overall, he thought he was fitting in quite adequately, and living amongst the Tau'ri was no longer a constant stream of disconcertion._

_The doorbell rang._

_Teal'c looked at it with some surprise. He had not been expecting visitors. Perhaps O'Neill was initiating another unscheduled social engagement - a custom which he had learned was fairly common among Tau'ri allies, and often involved fermented drinks and observing diverse forms of two-dimensional entertainment on the "TV"._

_He opened the door, forgetting to check the peephole. His surprise grew at the sight of a group of six small creatures, only two of which he could ascertain as Tau'ri children. One, a little girl, wore a glittery crown and a bright pink dress. The other was a slightly older boy with an odd hat, pointy-toed boots and a gun belt that held two Tau'ri projectile weapons. Teal'c quickly estimated that he could disarm the boy, if needed._

_"Trick or treat!"_

_He did not blink an eye. They seemed to wait for his response, but he felt at a loss._

_"Trick or treat…!" they repeated in a high-pitched chorus._

_Teal'c extrapolated that the other four were also young Tau'ri, although their faces were not visible and they had a variety of animal characteristics and extra appendages._

_After another moment of confused silence on both sides, the Jaffa cocked his head."How may I be of assistance?"_

_The little girl turned to glance behind, and for the first time he noticed an adult Tau'ri of indeterminate gender hidden under a sheet with holes cut out for the eyes. Unfortunately, the discovery was no help as the adult in question stood a short distance away, engaged in a telephone conversation and thus entirely unavailable to shed light on the situation._

_The silence stretched on…_

_"Sir, can we have some candy?" a four-foot-tall furry bear finally asked._

_Teal'c frowned thoughtfully. "I am not sure I possess that which you seek."_

_A chorus of disappointment followed. "But it's Halloween!" the armed little boy whined. "Everyone's gotta have candy!"_

_The Jaffa regarded him curiously. "I was unaware of that requirement. Is there an acceptable substitute which I might offer?"_

_"You talk funny," the little girl grumbled, fiddling with her crown._

_The furry one put a hand on its hip. "What'cha got in mind?"_

_Teal'c looked around until his eyes landed on the coffee table where he kept his mail."Would you be interested in … coupons? I understand they are a particularly desirable commodity."_

Vala chuckled again. "Again, I would have definitely appreciated that substitution," she said cheerfully, "but I suppose we can't expect these young untrained minds to know any better…"

Teal'c took a sip of water.

"So, were they really disappointed? Ooh," Vala grimaced in sympathy, "was there crying? That would be traumatic…"

"There was no crying."

She could sense that he was leaving something out. "But…? Come on, Muscles," she pleaded, "you can't leave the story there… besides I'm still not enlightened as to what this 'Halloween' is all about! So tell me!" She leaned toward him, eyes wide with curiosity. "What happened? Were the children very disappointed?"

"Unfortunately…" Teal'c rumbled a deep sigh, "…no."

_"Coupons?! My grandma collects those!"_

_"We want candy!"_

_The little girl pushed to the front of the group. "What are coupons? Can you eat them?"_

_Teal'c looked down at the handful of shiny paper. "I do not believe so."_

_"Oh. What do they do?"_

_He thought for a moment. "I believe they enable you to obtain other items you desire."_

_She also thought for a moment, processing his words. "Can I use them to get a pony?"_

_Teal'c inventoried his knowledge of the coupons; his landlady said that you could use them for mostly everything. "Most likely," he agreed._

_The little girl's eyes lit up and she eagerly held out her hands. "I want coupons!"_

_Teal'c generously deposited a large pile into her waiting hands, and she grinned widely._

_"Hey, hang on, we want some too!" protested the furry bear. "Do you have anything for us?"_

_Uncertain about their preferences, Teal'c hesitated. One of the names on the coupons stood out, as O'Neill had mentioned it a few times while helping him move into the apartment. He held out the coupon with the familiar name. "I believe this one is among the most valuable."_

_The young costumed Tau'ri squinted. "What's it do?"_

_"It enables you to visit a place called… Home Depot. I believe that is a most respectable establishment for the acquisition of a variety of valuabl -"_

_"Is that a chainsaw?" The young boy with the hat and boots looked thrilled._

_"No way!"_

_"It says here it's only…"It took him a moment to put together the numbers, "…like, thirty bucks or something!"_

_"I've got twelve saved from my birthday!"_

_"Mom will buy back my candy, that's gotta be worth at least… like, ten!" The children all began rummaging through their pockets while Teal'c looked on in utter puzzlement._

_"Can we have this?" the little boy asked with a bright expression, and when Teal'c nodded, he grinned. "Awesome! Thanks Mister!"_

_The little girl tugged on the hem of his shirt. "Mister…" She looked up curiously, holding up one of the many coupons he had handed her. "What's a spray tan?"_

Vala was once again reduced to inarticulate snorting, and she actually grabbed his glass of water since she had long finished hers. "What happened in the end?" she managed after a few seconds.

Teal'c almost cringed as he remembered. "It was a misunderstanding of some proportion."

She pressed her lips together but was unable to fully contain the grin. "Sorry!"

The Jaffa sighed in resignation. "As I said…Hallo'ween is a most… mystifying festival which I have yet been unable to fully comprehend."

The dark-haired woman laughed again. "It feels like just a few rounds of bad luck… it can't have been this bad every year!"

His eyebrows arched. "The circumstances did not improve significantly," he deadpanned. "I am sorry to not be able to provide further useful information this particular Tau'ri custom."

"Oh that's alright, I'll just have to ask the others… meanwhile," she adopted the same pleading expression from earlier, "can I hear about the rest of your Hallo'weens on Earth…?"

_The End_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...Slightly late though these may have been, I hope that you enjoyed them!!  
>  And as promised, here is the link to the virtual season, where these fine ladies have been working tirelessly to bring us more of the team that we know and love. (: 
> 
> http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9049062/1/State-of-Affairs-A-Virtual-Season-11-Story
> 
> Happy reading!!


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